Lotta CBT Lifecoach

Recovery one day at a time

Another year has passed. I got to have another year. 30 years in recovery. Today.

A dear friend asked me how I was celebrating this today.

And I will tell you.

I´ve spent the day with the most important person in my life, someone I love and respect a lot; Me. Doing things I enjoy doing, which includes hanging with my dogs, living and being exactly where I want to be in this world.

And then also preparing for the evening. Because on the evening of this day, September 15, I got to see one of my dreams and long time plans come to life; I started a treatment program for women who have the same disease as I do, that I refer to as AID (Addiction Interaction Disorder). It is a one year program, where the participants choose to participate 3 months at a time. So 4 modules, each of them for 3 months. And I am doing it with a fantastic team of women. By women for women. All over the world. This week we were in 2 time zones, next week we will expand that to 4. And of course I am doing this in my professional capacity as a clinical CBT therapist and addiction specialist.

It is an online program and we have a rolling intake, so anyone who by time wants to join, can. As long as they first have a SUGAR® assessment interview done, either by me or someone else who is certified and licensed to do so.

I´m not gonna get into my program a lot here, other than to say that for me, now being raised and trained in AA for the past 30 years, it is all about giving back. To fellow addicts and also to the society in general.

So to get to launch this program today, this very day, means so so much to me. Community is everything! It takes a village!

I am full. Of Gratitude. And as I just wrote that, along comes Awe. Grace. Wonder. All connected to the fact that I am still here, I am alive and very well.

Hope. Living in recovery of the disease of addiction is a daily gift. I live this life one day at a time. Practising the spiritual principles of this program of action, and good things – great things come to pass. And most of those aren´t even “things”. They are relational. About connection. To myself and to others. On levels I didn´t know existed before. Deeper and wider and fuller over time.

I love my life today. What I do for a living, where I live, the creatures I have in my life, who get my love and attention, some have 4 and some have 2 legs…

I love how I continue to learn and grow, through my endless curiosity. How I have and am sharpening my work skills as well as my life skills, for they are connected, yet separate. I walk my talk….

New friends, old friends. All sort of relationships. We are hard wired for connection. We ARE here to connect. It takes a village, this life. We need each other.

I. Need. You.

And I am so grateful for “knowing” this – in my heart (where the really important knowledge lives). I FEEL it! In every fibre of me.

So many lessons. So much learning. Through so many people. In so many rooms just like that first one, on September 15 1993. In so many countries.

They are all my family. There is trust, there is love, there is support, there is experience, there is hope, there is belonging, there is vulnerability, there is gratitude, there is sharing. In my family.

I love you all. Those who walked before me, those who walk beside me, those who will walk after me.

I owe you everything. I owe you my life.

I have peace. I have serenity.

This is me.

Wholehearted with Requirements

As per usual, my writing here happens when the inspiration, creativity and a productive balance between an ideal head- and heart space happens.

This year as a whole, so far, has been quite different than many many of the years before. Different in the sense that I came to a point where I really felt – and still do with even more gusto – that I am ready. For Love.

That may sound simple enough, but believe you me, it is not. It’s been a long journey.

I come from a past of relationships that were anything but healthy, and I gradually learned that it didn’t matter that I was doing all this internal work on me – when the other part did nothing. Not on themselves, let alone on the relationship. It took me a long time – years – to understand that this is not how I want to continue my Life.

So after the latest relationship, that really was the rock bottom for me on the relationship front (choosing to relocate across Europe to start a life with a drinking alcoholic), it finally caught up with me that if I want also this part of my life different – I gotta do different.

This was 10 years ago.

So I have spent the last decade doing just that. Life differently. And for the better part of this decade, this has meant that I needed to be with just me, focusing on one relationship only; me, myself and I.

And do thorough autopsies on my latest several relationships, ( I’ve done this once before almost 20 years ago) to get clear about who I am and what I want.

And man have I done that!

I spent the first 3 years just recovering from that last (latest) relationship with the drinking alcoholic – by far t h e worst relationship I have been in.

Then another 3 years or so, getting really clear about who I am and how I want to show up in the relationship world, what kind of partner I want to be.

By that time, some of my friends thought it was about time that I got out there in the dating world, so they put me in that world by creating a profile for me. Or circus? Or looney bin? Not sure what to call it, but there’s a LOT of dysfunctional people out there, thinking they are looking for ”love”.

Not knowing what that means or looks like, not being able to give what they are searching for.

So I took that with a large pinch of salt, that whole dating circus. Took me another couple of years to learn to remember to check in on the apps in question. I still wasn’t ready.

Apart from doing all this internal work, I have also focused on my professional work, finally being able to leave behind being employed in order to pay the bills and doing my clinical work on the side. 4 years ago I got to leave that and be my own boss, sustaining myself completely. For this I have worked really reeeeeeally hard and I am so grateful. Beyond words. It means so so much, it’s something I’ve been wanting to do for several decades. Really.

It’s my passion and what I do absolutely best out of everything else that I’m really good at; assisting people to be all that they can be, which entails a LOT.

And I don´t want to get all technical and theoretical about that now. That’s a great topic for another time though, what it is I do.

Anywho.

So when this year started, I summoned up everything and all that I have spent a decade learning about myself, being all aligned in spirit, heart, soul, body and mind. And now I am indeed ready. For Love.

And believe you me, the selection out there hasn’t changed much in my absence.

I´ve had a number of conversations, none of them very long lived. Cause one of the things that got really clear to me was – IS – that I am no longer interested in settling for less than. I’ve done that enough in my life.

As spring and summer came and went, it took me on a trip overseas. Little did I know who I would meet. I mean I thought I knew. But no, not a first. It took a long time to put that together. And I needed to be back home to put this together.

So what would you say, or think, if I told you that this is who I met?;

Someone who is good looking, kind, generous, respectful, warm, loving, thoughtful, considerate, wholehearted, sensual, sexual, vulnerable, openhearted and open minded, grateful, flexible, honest, mature, ready, funny, intelligent, emotional, curious, brave, tolerant, accepting, patient, loveable, easy, non dramatic, responsible, self supporting, transparent, willing to learn.

Someone who is consistent, who does what they say they will do – every time.

Someone who has done a lot of internal work and is clear about what their triggers are, but also who’s responsibility they are to deal with.

Someone who embraces their fears, and still dares to do that which scares them. Someone who understands that we all are products of our past relationships and that they indeed have been part of shaping how we behave today.

Someone who’s words are aligned with their actions.

Someone who is emotionally mature and also emotionally available. Someone who has a fast and sharp mind, and a healthy balance between the two.

What would you say about this person?

Would it be hard, difficult to love such a person?

I think not. I know it isn’t.

Because that person – is me.

I really got to meet me, also by bouncing me off of someone else. This is how we learn who we are. We need others for that. That’s when it gets real. When we pay attention.

And I love me, myself and I.

Who and how I am now.

And I am ready.

For somebody else to love me too.

Just one thing….;

I´m. Not. Settling. For. Less.

Paint by numbers – and Life

Some years back, I got an idea to do something for the first time. I love firsts! They don´t happen often enough and yet I am open and curious (and always have space for improvement there) so I welcome them.

This particular idea I have no clue where it came from, so I call it Divine intervention. I don´t know anyone who does or have done this; Paint by numbers.

My motivation to do this, was that I wanted to give my brain a new challenge, use it in a way I had never done. This, I practise, teach and almost preach, in my work. Like, sit a different chair at your kitchen table, different seat in the living room, take a new route to your work and/or grocery shop, put on your pants with the other leg first. And so on. You are welcome 🙂

So I went online and ordered 2 objects (paintings to be) and got them. Then they sat there. Tucked away in a room. I moved house I think 3 times (something I do on a somewhat regular basis – get new perspectives, remember?) and one fine day I started painting. A little bit. Time passed. Long time passed. I painted some more. Time passed. I relocated to a different island. I have lived there now almost a year.

And about a month or so ago, I picked it up again. And I have now finished both these objects.

During this time of more focused painting, I have also realised and learned a bunch of things, about myself and this type of process, which I will share here below. In the form of metaphors, cause that is something that I use a lot in my work.

I have an old buddy in this land who ”is” an artist. The painting kind. And I have said, for years, the more I’ve heard her speak about the art classes that she gives, how similar the internal processes are between her students and my clients.

This became even more clear to me now, being the subject myself.

Paint by numbers is that you get a prepaid real canvas, on which an image is printed, divided in a vast number of fields. Each field has a number. Each number correlates with a particular colour. A paint by numbers set comes with the printed canvas, a bunch of numbered water colours and (way too few) brushes. That’s the kit. When you search for this, you will find various motives/images to choose from.

So these are my reflections of the similarities between life in general and painting by numbers – in the form of metaphors, in no particular order:

– When you are/look too close to something/one, you tend to lose perspective and also can’t see the bigger picture. Focus where it matters. Zoom out/take a step back sometimes. Get a different perspective.

Breathing is essential. Holding your breath while doing is not good strategy. Your brain and body need oxygen to function fully.
Steady hand vs wobbly. Both have a time and place. Steady tends to give a more precise outcome, and yet is that always something to strive for..? Remember that perfectionism/perfect IS a myth!
Following instructions can many times lead to less complications; and even better results than you would have come up with. Get out of your own way! Kick out your ego, cause ego always gets you into trouble. Not the good kind.
You do not ”have to” paint in the numerical order that the paints come in. Choosing your own order gives you more options, freedom and reminds you that as long as you are breathing – you always have choices. Your mind is the strongest culprit for your perception of your limitations.
Life doesn’t reveal all the information or even the full outcome beforehand. It is a Process. Start! Put one foot in front of the other. Have FAITH! (work through your fears is the way to get that. Sometime it’s taking a fear by the hand and doing something anyway. Fear will then cease, faith and courage arrives. After the actual doing. Trust the process!
We don´t know in advance who/what´s gonna work out with whom/what. The important thing is to get in there, start. Then more will be revealed.
Beauty/art as well as Life needs diversity; colours, nuances, shades, – differences. We get richer for it. Our lives and our world get fuller, deeper, wider.
Stay open and curious – not judgemental – in order to learn, grow and be enriched.
You can’t do all at once. It’s important to stop and acknowledge the progress, to see the bigger picture starting to get clearer – and to let the paint dry so you don´t smudge it all over when you start again…
You’re not going to see every area the first time; sometimes you’re going to need to come back a second, third, fourth and maybe fifth or more time. It takes time to get a clear vision and to see passed all the blur and distractions.
Don´t wait too long to start – the paint might dry up all together, beyond use…

Sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better.

My father died totally unexpectedly when I was 20. That day, I learned not to take Life for granted, that we are here on borrowed time. This runs deep in me. It has paved my way to be grateful for every day I have, and for so much that every day entails. It has made me a lot clearer in my boundaries, in what/who I allow in my life and not. Life is simply too short and too precious for me, to spend in a context that doesn´t warm my heart and soul. And the older I get, the more important this is, and the more developed I have become in making these choices. For me.
What other people do, is their business and their choices, and I don´t get into that, at all. As I like to say; Not my circus- not my monkeys…

So I cherish this post below from 2016, (couldn´t share it in its´original so it took some scissors and tape) as a reminder. I was blessed that evening, cause there are so many different outcomes this could have taken. It is not the first time I was kept from serious harm in my life. What/whoever keeps me alive and well and still on this planet, clearly has a plan, and I am doing my best every day to be mindful of that. A lot of the time this is going really well, other times not so much. This is usually when I need to get out of my own way… Work in progress I am, like everybody else. We all are human, and we are all learning. Well…. maybe not everyone, but that´s a different post…
Progress is what I aim for. Nothing else.
I am massively grateful for my Life today and every day, and I live my Life one day at a time, the best I can, with a healthy balance in self care and in being of service to others.

“April 7 2016
So 14 hours later, this is how it is. In life, sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better. This, qualifies as one of those moments. However, apart from the face, I have no other visual injuries. Left leg (which was already crap) hurts a lot, as does the right shoulder and arm.
Last night I was on my way to Jo´s house for a long awaited hang out with some good food, riding my mc. In a long bend, there was a long trail of oil. Because the road was bending, I did´t see it until it was too late, so yes, we fell, Ms MC and I, skidded for a number of metres, I rolled (like a bad stunt person) an unknown number of rolls, and then there I was, in the middle of the Birkirkara bypass. Lots of people came and helped me up, and moved my bike away from the traffic, and as I stood there, I was looking at our Mater Dei Hospital, across the bypass. As those who know me would know, this was not my next stop. I eventually continued to before said destination, where I got some TLC, a hot meal and some debriefing.
Thank you all for your thoughts, suggestions and other expressions. They mean a lot! Really.
Today I am moving around at home, very slowly.
Should someone want to stop by and give me a (gentle) hug, and perhaps a Kinnie, don´t be shy.

This is the face of having worn a full face helmet, visor down. Which I still do, in winter.

Be careful out there…”

It takes a village…

You are invited to participate actively in a self development group where we will share our experiences, questions, challenges and perceptions from the book; Atlas of the heart, by Brene´ Brown.

I start a group like this once a year, and we are about to close the group of 2022, with our final session this month.

We will do this with gusto, as wholeheartedly and authentically as we are able, the last Sunday of every month, and we will do it on Skype, between 6-8 pm CET. All you need is wifi, the previous group has members in 5 countries and 2 continents.

You don´t need to be or have been a client of mine and you don´t need to know who Brene´ Brown is or be familiar with any of her previous material.

What I can promise and in fact guarantee, is that being part of this self development project will change your life as you know it. Because it will change you.

If you want to participate;

– you need to let me know asap. There are 7 seats and once they are filled we start.

– you need to get the book, I highly recommend it in paper form, for a lot of reasons.

Once you have the book, and have secured a seat in the group, send me a photo of you holding the book here; lottalifecoach@gmail.com (I will explain that once we start)

Nobody does this life alone or even by themselves. It takes a village. In fact, I believe it takes several villages. And I want to co create this village, or your villages! Being part of that.

I am super excited to go on this journey with those who want to travel with me and to build this village!

It is a round trip and yet we will certainly not end up where we started or who we started as…

7 seats people…. That´s all there is here. Small group, for large and deep growth.

It´s personal!

Starting point is to contact me…

Welcome!

#change #development #atlasoftheheart #journey #community #ittakesavillage #connection #wholehearted #courage #courageovercomfort #vulnerability #wellbeing #wellness #recovery #health #brenebrown #personaldevelopment

Closing one door – opening another…

I thought I’d treat myself another ”first”, as I don’t have a lot of those these days.

Looking back on the year that’s about to come to an end, making some reflections, is a first for me in December.

I usually do this around mid September, as that’s when I celebrate my years in my personal recovery, which this year marked 29 years.

But I love having ”firsts” and something has been poking me to do this, so I´ll roll with it.

I have learned. A LOT.

I have been enlightened. A LOT.

I have had clarity. A LOT.

I will elaborate a bit more….

During the first half of this year, I have educated myself professionally, adding 2 more certificates that I needed for the direction I wanted to take my work.

So I am now part of a – still – small global number of specialists when it comes to working with Sugar addiction, and AID and an even smaller number of people in the world who are licensed and certified to do Sugar addiction diagnostic assessments.

My vision was to start a recovery program in November, and it turned out that I placed that bar a wee bit too high, as it was quite short notice for potential participants.

So I have rescheduled the start of this until the end of April 2023, together with a fantabulous team of women. All stars and experts in their areas.

Between November of this year and April next year, we have some major holidays that to most people are very much about ”foods”, sugar bombs of various kinds, over eating, weight and obsessions. Some people call them Christmas and Easter. The holidays.

So I do believe that starting a new way of Life at the end of April will speak to and facilitate for a whole lot more people who now are able to reflect on their consequences of current life style and choices, their medical costs and physical situation, and perhaps weigh (no pun intended, well a lill bit..) that against what it would be worth to actually invest in your physical, and mental health for a year. To start with. With the potential of it being once and for all…

I have also relocated, in the middle of summer, to Gozo. Something I’ve been wanting to do for many years, and once I pulled the trigger, the timing wasn’t optimal, but the changes needed will be adjusted in the upcoming year. To design my life as I want it, not in the hands of circumstances.

This is how I live my life for the most part, when ever it is possible. And that is the case a LOT. By design, not by default…

I also went back to the Motherland for the first time in 8 years, to start the end of my material and logistical process there, and ending that, is something that also will take place in the new year.

All of this is connected, and these areas will become full circle in the new year, which will be exciting, challenging and joyous, for which I am very grateful.

N o n e of this could have happened without help from friends. I have let go of the idea that I can hack this life by myself many MANY moons ago.

Which brings me to the people section of my 2022 inventory.

This year I have met quite a lot of new people, in my profession, through my studies and in my personal life.

Some are keepers, others have come and gone, and with some I’ve also thought; ”Don’t let the door hit you in the ass”… 🙂

I´ve also had a LOT of clarity when it comes to people who were already in my life, and I have adjusted the places they get to have in my life with some of them.

Some have been demoted and some have been fired, never to be seen again. All in gratitude for their part in my journey, and nevertheless this is how it is now.

I have become even more invested in who I spend any kind of time with, where and how.

As Maya Angelou says; ”When people show you who they are – believe them”.

So it really doesn’t matter how long someone has been in my life – I’m not keeping them or the status quo for sentimental reasons…

And I am not believing what people tell me – I look at their behaviours, being even sharper in my observations there now.

One of my Life laws is; ”Don’t tell me – show me” and in the new year I will live a whole LOT more by just that.

We have also been blessed with another family member. What started out as a fostering plan, is now going to be a full adoption.

Since life is dynamic and circumstances change, I am more than happy to fully bring Buddy in our family of, now 4 🙂

I got my first ever adopted dog 7 years ago, Cassia, and she is now the same age as Buddy.

When I got her, this stirred up a lot of emotions in me, being adopted myself.

I have done a LOT of work through the years, in regards of being adopted and it keeps fascinating me how new angles are being brought to me, to dig even deeper. This goes to show that we are never really ”done” with stuff, they just a take on a different shape and place in us. Some feel better than others, but they all teach and develop us.

Cause when I got my little Marley boy, who is now 4,5, he was a rehoming situation, yes also adopted but he had lived with a family before me, unlike Cassia who came from an orphanage just like I did.

Buddy has also lived in a family all his 7 years and yet when he came to us he was not in a good place, due to circumstances out of the previous owners hands.

Towards the end of this year, I also lost a friend.

When this happens, it brings up other important people I have lost, and I get to sort of reconnect with them and my emotions for them, also on a new and deeper level. It is painful, and yet it fills me with gratitude and love.

Since I have had them, in some capacity, I can never really lose them.

I am certain of a couple of things about Life;

It is dynamic.

It goes on.

I am grateful to close the book of 2022 and continue into 2023 with a strong sense of it being a year of Love and Peace. For the world – and for me.

A gift to yourself – because you are so worth it!

Having worked as a cbt clinician for a couple of decades, specialising in addiction, I have followed the work of Bitten Jonsson since her first book came out.

What has become clear to me over the years is that the correlation between physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health is not only strong but intertwined, and with some clients the knowledge and tools I’ve had for working with thoughts, emotions and behaviours, sometimes bringing in the odd nutritionist, still did not suffice in helping the client to get passed certain blocks in their development/recovery.

I had – or thought I had – a holistic approach where I through the years have added collaborators who are specialists in their area, such as a a massage therapist, a yoga teacher and a personal trainer, because physical movement and a genuine body awareness is also essential for over all health.

And yet….

Something was missing.

So I started looking into what goes on in the brain bio chemically in relation to food/nutrition.

Many moons ago when I studied psychology in the academic world, we studied the brain at length. And some bio chemistry. But not in relation to food and nutrition.

And the more I started looking into this – the more clear it got that this is indeed the missing part and tool, that I need to add to my toolbox and competence.

I´d had my eye on the Infact school in Iceland since it started some years back, but it wasn’t until they offered their education completely online that I signed up (thinking that Bitten was part of their program, which she no longer was).

I completed that course in February 2022, and yet there was a lot left to be desired in what I had wanted to learn.

So my next step became to get licensed and certified in SUGAR®, a science based diagnostic assessment tool to determine whether a person has a sugar addiction or not. It is an extensive interviewing tool that we do online, where we also thoroughly cover other areas in life such as alcohol, nicotine, gambling, depression and PTSD. I got my license in early September 2022.

This was the missing part/s that I needed to be able to do a better job with my clients – AND I will now launch a totally new project based in the country I live in – Malta, which is to start a Sugar Addiction Recovery Program, or SARP as I call it, which makes my professional life come full circle.

We start at the end of April 2023, more info below.

And when we say sugar addiction, it includes all sorts of sugars and sweeteners, all types of flours, all grains, processed and all ultra processed “foods”, most fruits and all high starch veggies.

The deep and wide focus Bitten Jonsson has on up to date research and bio chemistry, in combination with everything else regarding addiction makes all this possible for me to do.

I am also very proud and humbled to report that Bitten will participate in the SARP as a lecturer and educator and she will have a whole day with the participants during our 4 day kick off!

As I am a firm believer in that you need to identify the root cause in order to treat it from there and out, by also looking at the symptoms, and doing the SUGAR assessment with some of my clients gives me a potent and accurate tool to correctly assess my clients who will then be offered a seat in my SARP, like nothing else out there can.

So I am very grateful for finally being here and doing this!

So in order to be considered as a candidate in our SARP, it all starts with contacting me and doing a SUGAR® assessment interview.

Holidays at the end of this year – and easter!

The holidays are just around the corner. A time of year that is, for a lot of people, connected to lots of foods, sugars in all forms, struggles with weight issues, not wanting to eat certain foods in order to keep track of weight, or attempts to limit the quantities – only to fail and not being able to stop or keep the set limits. And so on.

So I have 6 questions for you:

In the past year, have you spent more time eating than you meant to?
Have you found yourself thinking a lot about eating?
Have you ever used food/s to relieve emotional discomfort?
Have you ever neglected any of your responsibilities due to your eating?
Has anyone had any opinions about your eating habits?
Have you felt you wanted/needed to cut down on your eating in the last year?

If you have 2 – or more yes answers, it indicates that you have a problem and/or an addiction and I then welcome you to do a SUGAR® assessment with me, for further guidance.

So here´s a gift for you – that keeps on giving! For a whole year! And beyond…

To yourself – or to a loved one.

Because we have enough “things”, don´t we…?

How about better health, all around…!

Inside out, brain, body and soul

Check it out here – because you are so worth it.

You are very welcome.

https://bit.ly/sugar-addiction-recovery-program

My Mother wrote me a letter

In March this year, it´s been exactly 30 years since I lost my mother to cancer.

Her final 6 weeks, I moved in with her and did my very best (which sometimes exceeded my own “truths” of what I thought I was able to) to care for her and make her comfortable.

I have always said that I hold the utmost respect for people working in somatic care, that this is something I could never do. And I still say that. Bless them!

Caring for my mother though, was very different. I did that with such clarity and sense of; it´s a given.

She was always there, caring for me, and now when the hospital could do no more for her, this was my final opportunity to give her all my love and care back. With help from the Swedish healthcare system, in the form of nurses making house calls twice a day, fixing with her meds and drips.

We got 6 weeks together. I did not sleep through an entire night during that time. I have no memories of eating, but I must have. She slowly got worse and the last couple of days she was not conscious. We got closer than ever. Mostly in silence. Sometimes words are overrated…

One morning as I woke up in the room next to hers, I knew. I felt it in my entire being.

She was gone.

She had been sick for a number of years. And I knew this was coming. I had been telling myself I was prepared for this… A very cognitive reaction. Of course we can´t be prepared. Not emotionally. And losing your Mother, changes you. I was 27 then. Had lost my father when I was 20. No siblings. Less than a handful relatives, none of them close to me. This is not something we get over. But we learn to live with it. Little by slowly.

This turned out to be my final year and a half before I started my personal recovery. It was brutal.

In September the following year, I started my recovery, and I have strived since then, to grow into the kind of person that my Mother was. Loving, compassionate, kind, gentle, soft spoken. What I already shared with her, was my love for music, my sense of humor and a whole lot more.

2 months ago, I went back to the Motherland for a week, to sort out some things. I had not been there in 8 years. I went through a lot of my personal belongings which was in storage, that I had not seen for the past 8 years. Sorting, throwing out, giving away to charity and deciding what gets to come back to Malta.

I knew that I had a letter there somewhere, that my mother had written to me about 30 years ago, under very special circumstances. And I was wondering if I was going to find it, during those days. I wasn´t just wondering, I was hoping – with gusto – that I would.

And I did! Along with all my photos, in albums and without albums. The paper versions of photos. I had not seen those for about 9 years. And certainly not gone through them all. My entire life, since I was a few moths old up until we got smart phones….

So I went through them all. One by one. Picked out those that got to come with me, back to Malta. Threw out all the rest. Including the albums. Some of these photos I had really missed, and it dawned on me how much our history is connected to memories triggered by our senses; vision, hearing, smells, touch, taste (and in my book 2 additional ones´; common (sense and sense of humor), though these were not so much involved here).

If you come to my home now, you will find plenty of photos all around the house. Because I haven´t seen them in a really long time and this is how I reconnect with me and my history. When I see the photos, it triggers emotions – warm and fuzzy ones. All representing different times of my life. They will eventually get placed in collages on the walls.

The letter. I had it here at home for a couple of months before I could bring myself to read it again. No rush. A little afraid of what I would feel, because I didn´t remember the content. And then I read it, maybe 3 weeks ago. Tops.

And it was so my mother. Loving, compassionate, kind, gentle, soft spoken.

An idea came to me. How about I choose some of her words, with her handwriting, and I put it as a tattoo on me…

Her handwriting was a bit off, due to the cancer meds, so a little bit off, but still I would be able to pick it out of millions of others.

So I did that. Got the tattoo, yesterday. By the only female tattoo artist on this island. Her birthday, is today btw. She is exactly 30 years younger than I. I was turning into her age, that year when I lost my mother. We had a genuin and spiritual connection and moment, while she put my mothers words, gently on my arm. My mother was in the room.

I am grateful. Beyond words. For my mother. And for everything and everyone that comes into my life that gives me an opportunity to do my very best to be like her.

I grieve her. I celebrate her.

She lives in me.

Translation of the words:

“Dear Lotta,

Take care of yourself. Know that I am thinking about you a lot.

Hugs, your mother”

Recovery day 2022

Another year has passed. I got to have another year. I´ve been soul searching all day for what to write in this post that marks my 29 year celebration of my personal journey of recovery.

And given previous years notes of this day (that you can find some of in my blog), this year I don´t have a lot of words. One main one comes to mind – and heart, more than any else. Gratitude. And as I just wrote that, a couple of other words came up; Awe. Grace. Wonder. All connected to the fact that I am still here, I am alive and very well.

I love my life today. What I do for a living, where I live, the creatures I have in my life, who get my love and attention, some have 4 and some have 2 legs…

I love how I continue to learn and grow, through my endless curiosity. How I have and am sharpening my work skills as well as my life skills, for they are connected, yet separate. I walk my talk….

New friends, old friends. All sort of relationships. We are hard wired for connection. We ARE here to connect. It takes a village, this life. We need each other.

I. Need. You.

And I am so grateful for “knowing” this – in my heart (where the really important knowledge lives).

I have peace. I have serenity. This is me.

Moving on

Malta…..

Our relationship started 16 years ago, I came for a 2 week holiday, to rest and get some new perspectives. Mainly about myself.

I got sun kissed, soaked up plenty of vitamins sea. Was mesmerized by the colours of the sea; deep blue, light blue and emerald. The palm trees draped with twinkle lights. The heat that took my breath away. The kindness of strangers, connecting with my fellow travellers in the 12 step rooms, or as I like to call them; my global family.

It was a spiritual connection on a molecular level. Something I have never experienced before in any of my travels. And I’ve travelled a LOT. I didn’t want to leave. I felt so strongly that I’m supposed to be here. It made no sense, there was no logic. There was just this clarity.

So after 2 weeks I got on the plane that took me back to the Motherland, and I felt like I had a big hole in me, and I couldn’t stop crying on the plane. Have never experienced that either…

Landed at the airport in the north, and as I was walking through the airport, I was looking down at my feet thinking; each step I’m taking here, is a step in the opposite direction of where I want to go.

I came home to my house. Put down my suitcase, looked around my house and thought to myself; ”Who lives here? Who owns all these things, the stuff in this house?”. It felt strange. Foreign. Different.

I spent the coming weeks planning and taking actions so that I could relocate to Malta. It took 10 weeks. Then I was back. In Malta. No plan. But some new good people in my life there, particularly Linda, who took me under her wings and guided me in my new country.

And little by slowly, I found new footing, life went on as it does. I had to start from the beginning, being a foreigner in a new country, and it took quite some time before I could do some work that I’m actually really good at – where my passion and talent lies (as well as years of studies and practise).

I started doing that part time, going in and out of employments, in order to sustain myself. Out of necessity, not interest. Met some fantastic people along the way in some of these places.

For the past 3 years I have been able to be completely self employed, no side gigs to pay the bills. It has taken over a decade to get my name out there, to build a client base that now recommends me to people in their lives in various ways. People on 3 continents and in 15 countries, so far. Yes I work online as well, since the past 6 – 7 years or so.

And I am deeply grateful for that.

I have sharpened my instruments and upped my game, continued to study and learn and grow, as a professional as well as a person. They go together in that regard. And my growth game is fierce! My recovery runs deep. And that makes me even better at what I do in my work.

New projects are coming up later this year. New collaborations, new connections. Exciting!!

And in the spirit of new…. I am now also leaving Malta. Moving out.

Onwards and upwards. New views, new energies and just new…. most. Same but different. Something I’ve been wanting to do for many years. And now it’s possible. Through hard work, dedication and conscious design. By me. Walking my talk.

I will still come to Malta. Frequently. But I have the same strong sense as when I left my Motherland; My time here is done. It is time to move on, which I will – in gratitude.

The only constant, is change.

And change…. Comes through action only.

Life…… Goes on.